From time to time, I get to reevaluate why do I have this blog and my path to get where I’m today. It changed a lot, but one of the things that it hasn’t changed was the purpose.
Like the Titanic Engine, my brain is fuming and its max capacity.
I’m out here, constantly learning how to navigate and live in a different culture that I didn’t grow up in, while I attempt to live a normal life. I dream in two languages and my brain is fuming like the Titanic engine. I get zero breaks.
The purpose of this blog is not to talk about me personally. It’s to talk about my experiences as an immigrant, in a constantly mid 30’s crisis, and with what I’m going through, find some people that can resonate with my experiences. I’m not an expert in anything.
I don’t have the authority to teach people how to do this or that, since I’m still living my life as best as I can.
I could teach the younger generation how to work hard and chase dreams, but I’m still working on mine. Teach them how cool it was not to have a phone and be monitored by other people 24 hours a day.
You could just leave and walk around, without being disturbed by a thousand different media outlets. These days we carry a personal computer in our pockets. There was a time when to reply to emails, I had to sit down turn on my computer, wait for the internet to connect, and pray for nobody to pick up the phone and disconnect me.
The point is, I don’t have any authority in any subject. So I write about my struggles to get connections.
I remember when I first started this blog, the idea behind was to simplify it call it “Live out loud”, because at that time I was still going through a Creative Writing bachelor’s degree and how writing in a second language, in the same level of a born and raised American was a daily challenge.
Writing about my assignments and the difficulty to fit in in the world of a writer was already hard by itself, having to explain that English is my second language was the real struggle. Even so with this being very difficult, I was still prompt to live my life out loud too.
I’m still doing my best to Live Out Loud Too
“Live out loud too” meant that at that moment I felt like I need to showcase my writing abilities, at the same time sharing my experiences as an immigrant. When I graduate the blog took a turn to a more serious tone of “why don’t I fit in?” when I moved to Austin, Texas.
Being in the south again, after living in Chicago, brought back memories of those years I was an outcast.
Living in Georgia for four years, meant I had to be on tiptoes constantly, explaining where I came from and what was I doing in America, why I didn’t want to stay in Brazil, and how peculiar my accent was. Southern hospitality is a lie. I even watched youtube videos on how to manage my accent and sound like a true American.
Yes, those videos are there for you to learn how to fake your accent. Just forget your first language and mimic the sound of the words. When you work in a place that is constantly harassing you for your “Language Barrier”, and giving better tables to people who speaks more fluent, you tend to get desperate.
When I moved to Chicago, it was fine. When I moved to Texas, even on my stop in Dallas, I already felt the burn of being back in the south.
The blog helps me personally and it has been a big part of what I love doing it. Writing and sharing stories about being an immigrant, in a constantly changing world.
After a time, with some comments and talking with friends, I realized that what I feel is not only immigrants’ perks. Americans and other people abroad feel the same way I do.
“Do it for the Gram.”
Some of the mid 30’s I know are also in a constant crisis, because we couldn’t keep up with what has been asked of us. Rent, bill, eat right, pandemic, work being a good wife, being a good mom, being a good employee, being a good friend. Look good for the Gram, have some special skills, like something artistic. Have a podcast, have a blog, write in the journal, go to therapy. Travel, showcase, eat outpost gorgeous places. When do we take breaks?
We all have dreams that we would love to make true, but we have to battle with the day to day life. Social media doesn’t make it any easier either. The feeling of constantly being left behind is real and it doesn’t mean you are not doing enough.
You are probably doing more than is asked of you and getting exhausted in the process. Believe, I’m too. We all are. While I’m still trying to Live out Loud too.
Trying to dance to my favorite song, watch my favorite movie for the 1000th time, try to bake bread that never raises. That’s how I live out loud too. Doing little things that make me happy and living my life the best I can.
While being an immigrant, while being in my 30’s without a promising career, without any funds to one day purchase a house. Life is here and now and one of the things I learned with the pandemic is that you cannot wait for tomorrow or next week to start doing things you like. Or you are at risk to be stranded in your house for years to come, while they try to “Flatten the Curve”.
Last but not least, Live out Loud too means acceptance. You have the right to live your life as it pleases you, as loud as you can.
No one on this planet has the right to judge you or tell you how to live. Or hurt you because you don’t act like them, don’t look like them, or don’t talk like them. To hell, these people keep putting you in boxes.
On my part, I started talking with my normal accent. No more hiding my flaws or the way I sound to please a honky tonky American who never let his county. How are you going to show you are living out loud too? Please let me know in the comments!
2 thoughts on “Fierce Living out loud too. Or at least trying to.”
Good on you. I am trying to change careers to be more creative, starting with my writing projects.
I have been trying to change careers too, but while that doesn’t happen I will keep doing what I can to keep the spark of writing alive. ❤️