Dear 2020,I had enough.

When 2020 started, I walked to the balcony and said my prayers, being thankful for all the changes the past year brought me. I cheered to the new decade, a new beginning in Austin, and hope to be able to fight something fierce for my dreams. A few days after, in January, we went to LA, loving every minute of it. But then, that was it, no more good times. At all. Dear 2020, I’ve had enough.

There are no words to explain the chaotic year this was.It feels dystopian. I don’t even know where to start explaining how this lockdown and avalanche of difficult situations messed with my mental health. Not to politicize my post, this is also an election year in America. Couldn’t get any worse than that. We don’t have peace of mind, as every single day is a fight to see who is going to save us as no one does anything besides fighting for their own causes.

The mainstream media, the lies, and the alluring of politicians making whatever we are going through about them. Twitter is a battleground, no way you can keep your sanity on that place. Facebook became a political platform, where everyone from your high school, who never let their county, thinks that Mr. Reality Show “you are fired” President, are working to make their life better. These people fight you like they are fighting for their lives. It’s yelling, accusing, bigotry, and information they find in their butt. I deleted both apps from my phone. I’m not a robot or a social experiment for a software engineer to play with mind and feelings.

If you didn’t watch “The Social Dilemma” on Netflix, please do it. The Social Dilemma is a documentary about how Facebook and other social media, how that influence people’s minds, and in some cases, like my country Brazil, elected a President. That man just convinced the population with lives on Facebook, instead of participating in person debates, that he was capable to be the leader of the country. Spoiler alert, a Donkey would do a better job than he is doing. Add that to the fierce allies and followers of these people and you can’t even say your opinion out loud unless you agree with them. I rather keep it to myself and talk to people I know about what I think of this mess.

We are all in this together

At the beginning of locked down in March, we didn’t know how long that was going to last. We are in October and we still don’t know how long is going to last. I heard someone saying: “When are we are going to have our freedom back?” and someone answered, “when we take it back.” America is not a free country. Separations, clusters, rich versus poor the whole country is divided. I always wanted to move here, now I’m not even sure if I want to stay. How long can a person live in solitude, only communicating through devices, as ordering food, groceries buying books, etc.? We are all on a verge of losing it.

I need to be able to travel and see different places. I need to be able to make plans and dream about different possibilities. Everything is on a stop right now. I’m always expecting the news announcing another lockdown, I’m losing hope of something getting fixed and we go back to our daily routine. My routine now consists of: walk around the house, pack to move, call my family, walk to Target, walk around Target, and go back home. For the past 7 months. I also listen to podcasts and music, but I can’t concentrate to watch a movie in one sitting.

Rent is due, from 2016.

This lockdown affected everyone I know in a different way. If you didn’t make a big life decision during this time, you will at some point. I have friends crossing the country to start over in a different state, I have friends who got divorced. Friends that are considering leaving the country and me, moving to Colorado, without having a place to live. Two weeks ago, I found out an apartment I lived in Georgia, between 2015 and 2016, put me on a National Credit System. I didn’t know until I applied for apartments to live in Colorado, because they check your residential status on a website called Onsite, for Rentbureau.com that I didn’t even know it existed. I don’t know how would that affect my livelihood, because I’m not even the primary renter, my husband is because he is the only one working.

2020neeee

It’s the weirdest situation I have ever been put on. My credit is great, and I’m just an adjacent to the primary renter, yet, we can’t rent a place to live. Even though we have been renting houses for the past 4 years. This week I lost my mind multiple times. How can you do that to people in the middle of the pandemic? We need a place to live, my husband has a job, we have the money to pay the deposit and the rent, yet, because of the stupid apartment complex we lived in during 2016 and because they lack providing security to us, we left. The place was sold and changed administration, but I can’t apply anywhere to live in Colorado. Forbidding people from renting should be illegal. Apartment complexes shouldn’t be allowed to do that, that’s sketchy, especially during the pandemic. People need to be better.

Although are fixing the situation, we are probably contacting a property lawyer to help us out soon. That itself debunked my mental health. I can’t focus on anything, I want to cry while packing, and if I knew that before, I would 100% have fixed it. I can’t even get excited about the move and I love moving, not the process of it, but getting to a new place to start fresh, it’s enlightening.

Mental Health is important.

There is an urgent need to refocus my energy. I have been trying to for the past 7 months, it’s not easy to remain calm and positive at this point. I wonder how many people are in the same situation, feeling like a complete loser without any direction in life. Hang in there, friends, like High school Musical says “we are all in this together!”. The only thing keeping me sane now is this blog and the dinners I get to work.

Be safe, stay healthy.

J.G.Snelly

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